I feel like Brittney. She said “my life is too in control”. I kinda feel that way too. I get up and go to work. Do what other people want me to do all day. Then come home, do what my mother wants me to do. And go to bed. And on somedays, my friends call me up and ask me to do stuff for them. I feel as if i only exist for other people. I feel like I’m not in control of what I do. I’m to afraid to anything irrational. So, I’m going to try something. I’m going to control my weight. I don’t care what I have to do. It’s the only thing I can control. I want to be pretty. I want to be the girl that all the boys want to date. I want to be the girl with all the nice clothes. I’m tired of being the girl that eats everything, and can’t buy clothes she wants to wear. I’m afraid of being skinny. I don’t want it to change me. I love the way I am. Sure I’m a pushover. Sure I spend most of my time trying to make my friends feel better. I love that me. I dont’ want to change myself. I just want to change the otter me. Before I’ve tried and failed. I need to get it together. And just do it. I know that I’m scared of being skinny. I’m afraid of too much change. Well. I’m going to do it. Tomorrow. I’m going to just..do it. I don’t care.
Circus December 5, 2008